Canada, Lover: We Need to Talk
You’re smart, tough, and loved––but it’s time to look in the mirror.
This column is for one county, and one country only. If you are not Canada, please keep scrolling to an earlier column. Maybe the one about shaving my chest and almost lopping off a nipple. I hear that one’s popular.
Canada, lover. We need to talk.
I love you. You know I do.
I’m sitting in front of a maple syrup evaporator, by moonlight, surrounded by trees. It’s mid-March, and there’s still a couple feet of snow on the ground in my sugar bush, making snowshoes necessary if I want to keep the inside of my knee-high Sorrels dry. There are coyotes howling. I’ve got Gord Downie whispering on my wireless speaker. Not an hour ago, a flock of Canadian geese just flew overhead in a V-formation. I swear I’m not making that up. I’m wearing a toque, eh.
I’m a hoser.
I ain’t going to deny it.
I’ve been one all my life.
And, Canada, you're suddenly everyone's inspiration. Everyone’s BFF. After your southern neighbour went a little, well, batshit, people have started looking to you as both a voice of reason and an elbows-up toughness. Smart and hot. It's flattering, I get it. But here's the thing: just because people are pinning their hopes on you doesn’t mean you can ignore your flaws. You’ve got a dark side, and pretending everything’s fine—just because you're "better than them"—isn’t good enough. Let’s be real.
You’re that partner who coasts on old love letters, expecting me to ignore the red flags because “at least I’m not the U.S.” That excuse is wearing thin. You done fucked up. And you keep on fucking up.
Look, I’m not saying we don’t have some good things going for us. We do. But I’m not going to sit here, wrapped in a Hudson’s Bay blanket, literally drinking juice from a frickin’ maple tree, and pretend everything is fine when it’s clearly not. We need to be honest about the deep-rooted issues that shouldn’t be swept under the rug just because it makes us uncomfortable.
Indigenous Rights – Hun, you’ve got your own Boil Water Advisory Bingo card. How is it that in 2025, entire communities still don’t have clean drinking water? And while we’re here, let’s talk about the horrifying number of missing Indigenous women. The horrifying number of murdered Indigenous women. And the generational trauma we still haven’t meaningfully addressed. The Truth and Reconciliation Commission gave us 94 Calls to Action. And we’re dragging our feet like a toddler who doesn’t want to go to bed.
Systemic Racism – Remember when we smugly thought we were so much better than the U.S.? Well, I mean, we are, but… Hate crime stats would like a word. Anti-Black racism? Still here. Islamophobia? On the rise. Antisemitism? Yep. The myth of Canada as a multicultural utopia is a nice bedtime story, but it’s just that—a story. Real talk: BIPOC communities in Canada experience racism in policing, employment, housing, and basically every major institution.
The Environment – We keep pretending we’re Captain Planet when, really, we’re still trying to wring oil money out of the sand. Heck, our LIBERAL government has this strange tendency to go hot diggity over pipelines while giving speeches about climate change. Apparently, they’re the path to greenhouse gas reduction. The disconnect is staggering. We’re still one of the worst per-capita carbon emitters in the world, but we like to hide behind the fact that we’re not the U.S. or China. That’s not a flex. Thank goodness we have lots of trees?
Corporate Greed & Wealth Disparity – Housing crisis? Record corporate profits? CEOs laughing in gold-plated bathtubs? What’s that, Canada? I can’t hear you over the sound of another grocery price hike. Ka-CHING! We’re watching grocery chains rake in billions while everyday people decide whether to pay rent or eat.
And don’t even get me started on the corporate stranglehold. Telecom: An oligopoly with monopoly vibes. Grocery: A monopoly in everything but name. Banking: A cozy cartel. Canada’s competition laws? Treated with the same level of respect as the Maple Leafs winning a playoff round—technically possible, but never really taken seriously.
I could go on, but I think you get the point. Canada, I love you, but you need to do better. The first step in fixing a problem is admitting you have one. And, lover, you’ve got a few.
Listen. You are special. And there’s so much of you to love.
Your vast and rugged landscape—so many places that possess the Romantic sublime. Your historical and policy-based cultural mosaic that made you one of the most diverse and welcoming nations on the planet. Your butter tarts. Your role as an international peacekeeper—rather than war-bringer. Your diplomacy. Your aw-shucks apologeticness. The uniqueness of your art, music, writing, and culture. Your Guy Lafleur. Your universal healthcare. Your leadership in LGBTQ+ rights and progressive cannabis policies. Your bagged milk. Your efforts toward gender equality and immigration, welcoming refugees with open arms. Your environmental push, despite the challenges. Your strong, inclusive education system and robust social safety net (at least for now). Your growing commitment to mental health awareness and support. And your global reputation as a champion of peace and diplomacy.
These are the things that make you great, even if we still have a way to go.
So, let’s stop pretending. Acknowledge the problems, take responsibility, and fix what needs fixing. Because love? It’s not blind. And it’s time for you to shape up, Canada. You’re the country I fell in love with, the one I know has it in you to rise above.
And FFS, stop picking up habits from the neighbours. You’re too old for that shit.
Are we good? Can we go to bed now?
It’s been a long quarter century.